Noting that more people than ever are taking to livestreaming platforms in the midst of the coronavirus outbreak, the nation’s top experts have issued a report confirming that yes, even you, dear reader, would make a better Twitch streamer than this fucking dork.

“Of the millions of streamers out there, the evidence shows a 100 percent chance that even an anime-obsessed weeb with a budding neckbeard would make a better on-stream personality than this loser right here,” read the report, specifically pointing to the streamer’s penchant for writing Sonic and Tails fanfic and her repeated out-of-context use of the word “yeet.”

“The outlook looks strong for livestreamers of all backgrounds, except for this stupid nerd right here, who should never be allowed in front of a camera again. People like this are what’s wrong with Twitch,” it said, dismissing concerns that other issues such as harassment and toxicity are problematic on the platform.

It also noted that the streamer appeared to lack a DXRacer gaming chair, proving she is not, in fact, a “real gamer.”

The report concluded by adding that if you do plan to start streaming, you should immediately spam popular streamers’ chats to promote your channel and beg them to play with you.


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